lunedì, dicembre 29, 2008

PIEDATOR

Nel 1985 Il Van, fattosi notare nel film Kickboxers, venne chiamato da Arnoldo Sforzonegro (vero nome di Arnold Schwarzenegger) per affiancarlo nelle riprese del film Predator.

A tutt'oggi però la realtà dei fatti circa quella collaborazione resta avvolta nelle nebbie della leggenda, e nessuno sa bene in cosa si realizzò. Secondo alcuni il Van fece solo una "contrafigura capabbia" [Arnoldo Sforzonegro, in una recente intervista], secondo altri il Van recitò dall'inizio alla fine del film assumendo le fattezze del Governator...

Sono qui per dirvi che il Van in verità fu cacciato fuori a pedate poco dopo che aveva messo piede nell'ufficio del produttore per fargli leggere la sua ideale versione del film. Perché, secondo il Van, Predator avrebbe potuto offrire la storia che segue...



PIEDATOR



Tanto tanto, ma tanto asai tempo fa, in una galassia lontana lontana c'era un pianeta abitato da creature puzzolentissime.

Ma su tutte, la più puzzolente era il reginetto della fetenzia:





Alieno: Specchio, specchio delle mie puzze, chi ha i piedi pù fetusi del regno?
Specchio: Ma sei tu, mia olezzosità sublime... E però solo qua su stammerda di pianeta! Sento giunger da oltranza una puzza superiore, la più magnifica del creato. E viene da un pargoletto dal culetto sporchetto appena nato, e il suo nome è: Jean-Claude Camille François Prepuz Van Varenberg...




L'alieno vanitoso allora s'arrabbiò così tanto che si fece costruire una stronave all'avanguardia della tecnologia, ma lo stesso ci mise 25 anni ad arrivare sulla Terra.




Poco dopo che la stronave era atterrata, il Van fu chiamato dal suo amico di merende Frenc:



Frenc: Van, Esmerdalda, la tua nuova ragazza che devi pisellare, ha telefonato poco fa: vuole che la vadi a prendere nel capoluogo del Bongo Bogo.


Così il Van ordina due elicotteri e parte.




Ma Frenc lo avvisa prima del tempo che c'è un pericoloso contrattempo, quindi gli elicotteri vengono deviati verso la base segreta Prepuzzia 3.

Qui il Van incontra un amico pecrello e fanno a braccio di ferro senza motivo.




Van: Mi hai fatto petare sangue, ma ho vinto io, eh.




Pecrello: Ecco Van, i nostri nasometri hanno captato una puzza molto strana e intenza nei pressi di Bongo Boco. Questo è l'epicerchio.

Van: Bene, siamo vicini a dove devo prendere Esmerdalda. Prendiamo prima Esmerdalda che la devo pisellare, eh! Poi risolverò il problemo... Prima il dovere, dopo il piacere.

Il Van quindi irrompe nella piccola città che conta 42 anime, e non si capisce perchè mette tutto a ferro e fuoco, ammazza ogni pinco panco che gli si para di fronte e alla fine scardina la porta della casa di Esmerdalda.



Van: DEEEOOO porca Vannezza!



Pecrello: Lui ti pisellerà.
Esmerdalda: Tezze che bozzo!


La compagnia di amici si accampa lì vicino per una scampagnata...


Esmerdalda: Guardate, l'alieno ha lasciato uno schizzo di feci radioattive extraplanetarie!
Van: Come sai che qui c'è un alieno?
Esmerdalda: Ma Van, il film l'hai scritto tu
Van: Ah, allora so già tutto.


Ma mentre il Van si appropingua a pisellare la bella odiosa, arriva l'alieno, che grazie alla vista a raggi puzzali individua subito il Van, perché il sensore era stato tarato a milledeoqueo, ossia il livello di puzza del Van...





Alieno: ARRRRGHHHRAAA, finalmente ora ti faccio fuori, così ridivennerò io il piede più fetuso dello spazio!
Van: Pasai, che carismatico!


La scena diventa confusa, il Van e l'alieno si azzuffano, si spatasciano, si sfaggono e alla fine il Van, dopo aver ponderato durante tutta la lotta, giunge a una decisione...



Van: Orco porco, questo è caparbio. Se andiamo avanti mi sventra... meglio scappare finché c'ho o i cavigli attaccati ai gambi, queo.


Il Van fugge, ma cade nell'acqua e si lava.






Il sensore puzzale così non riesce più a individuarlo, quindi l'alieno se ne va per i cazzi suoi.


Van: St'alieno m'ha rotto proprio il prepuzio. Che cos'è oggi? Il 29 febbraio, querello. Ora mi cospargo delle mie feci, così mi ritroverà, e ci farò vedergliela io.

I due s'incontrano di nuovo, ma le feci del Van si scopre che sono millemila volte più puzzolenti dei suoi piedi, così il sensore puzzale atomico va in tilt ed esplode, uccidendo l'alieno.






Esmerdalda: Van ora che hai ucciso l'alieno con le tue sole forze e il tuo solo ingegno, mi piselli? Sto film mi ha seccato le grandi labbra...
Van: Ovviopao, deeeooo.




Van big number Van...

The End


NB
Ovviamente, come avete potuto appurare da voi, il film fin qui è un capolavoro da Oscar. Infatti il produttore che cacciò a calci in culo il Van ne era rimasto meravigliato, e aveva deciso infatti di produrre il film in questa versione. Poi però il Van aggiunse che aveva già in mente il Piedator del secondo film:




E il progetto andò all'aria, lui e il Van col culo ammaccato...

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What makes this event so difficult to win? Several factors have to be considered. First there's the age of the horses. Triple Crown races are limited to 3 year olds, juveniles, all of whom officially have their birthday on January 1st of each year. By the first Saturday in May (the running of the Kentucky Derby), though most of the contestants will have actually reached their third birthday, they won't realize their full growth and potential until their fourth or fifth years.

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